that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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