so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
