Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
