are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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