So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
