Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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