You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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