We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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