so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
