He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
