her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
