omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
