I must be too annoying 4 u.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
