i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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