I was born with a shot glass in my hand
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
