the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I could fuck to npr.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
