I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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