when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
