i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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