my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
