it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
