This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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