Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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