Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
