just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
