I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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