Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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