...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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