if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
