So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
