Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
