I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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