I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
