he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
