I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
