I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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