1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
