Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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