Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
