The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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