i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's blow job season.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
