I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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