apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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