I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
