marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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