He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
