So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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