Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
