You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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