Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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