My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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