There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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