mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
