just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
