remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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