i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
