I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
