well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
