Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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