is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
