It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
